The Logical Vegetarian

You will find me drinking rum,Like a sailor in a slum,You will find me drinking beer like a Bavarian.You will find me drinking ginIn the lowest kind of inn,Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.

So I cleared the inn of wine,And I tried to climb the sign,And I tried to hail the constable as “Marion.”But he said I couldn’t speak,And he bowled me to the BeakBecause I was a Happy Vegetarian.

Oh, I knew a Doctor Gluck,And his nose it had a hook,And his attitudes were anything but Aryan;So I gave him all the porkThat I had, upon a fork;Because I am myself a Vegetarian.

I am silent in the Club,I am silent in the pub,I am silent on a bally peak in Darien;For I stuff away for lifeShoving peas in with a knife,Because I am at heart a Vegetarian.

No more the milk of cowsShall pollute my private houseThan the milk of the wild mares of the Barbarian;I will stick to port and sherry,For they are so very, verySo very, very, very Vegetarian.