Phantasmagoria — Canto II

"My First—but don't suppose," he said,"I'm setting you a riddle—Is—if your Victim be in bed,Don't touch the curtain at his head,But take it in the middle,

"And wave it slowly to and fro,As if the wind was at it;And in a minute's time or soHe'll be awake—and this you'll knowBy hearing him say 'Drat it!'

"(And here you must on no pretenceMake the first observation:Wait for the Victim to commence—No ghost of any common senseBegins a conversation.)

"If he should say 'How came you here?'(The way that you began, Sir),In such a case your course is clear—'Just as you please, my little dear!'Or any other answer.

"But if the wretch says nothing more,You'd best perhaps curtail yourExertions—go and shake the door,And then, if he begins to snore,You'll know the thing's a failure.

"By day, if he should be alone—At home or on a walk—You merely give a hollow groan,To indicate the kind of toneIn which you mean to talk.

"But if you find him with his friends,The thing is rather harder:In such a case success dependsOn picking up some candle-ends,Or butter, in the larder.

"With this you make a kind of slide(It answers best with suet),On which you must contrive to glide,And swing yourself from side to side—One soon learns how to do it.

"The Second tells us what is rightIn ceremonious calls:First burn a blue or crimson light,(A thing I quite forgot to-night,)Then scratch the door or walls!"

I said " You'll visit here no more,If you attempt the Guy:I'll have no bonfires on my floor—And, as for scratching at the door,I'd like to see you try!"

"The Third was written to protectThe interests of the Victim,And tells us, as I recollect,To treat him with a grave respect,And not to contradict him!"

"That's plain," said I, "as Tare and Tret,To any comprehension:I only wish some ghosts I've metWould not so constantly forgetThe maxim that you mention."

"Perhaps," he said, "you first transgressedThe laws of hospitality:You'll mostly come off second-bestWhen you omit to treat your guestWith proper cordiality.

"If you address a ghost as 'thing,'Or strike him with a hatchet,He is permitted by the kingTo drop all formal parleying—And then you're sure to catch it!

"The Fourth prohibits trespassingWhere other ghosts are quartered:And those convicted of the thing(Unless when pardoned by the king)Must instantly be slaughtered."

I said "That rule appears to meWanting in common sense—""'To slaughter' does not mean," said he,"'To kill' with us, and that, you see,Makes a great difference.

"In fact we're simply cut up small,(Ghosts soon unite anew;)The process scarcely hurts at all,Not more than when you're what you call'Cut up' by a Review.

"The Fifth is one you may preferThat I should quote entire—The king must be addressed as 'Sir':This, from a simple courtier,Is all the laws require:

"But should you wish to do the thingWith out-and-out politeness,Accost him as 'My Goblin-King,'And always use, in answering,The phrase 'Your Royal Whiteness!'

"I'm getting rather hoarse, I fear,After so much reciting;So, if you don't object, my dear,We'll try a glass of bitter beer—I think it looks inviting."