The Humane Mikado

A MORE humane Mikado neverDid in Japan exist,To nobody second,I'm certainly reckonedA true philanthropist,It is my very humane endeavourTo make, to some extent,Each evil liverA running riverOf harmless merriment.

My object all sublimeI shall achieve in time—To let the punishment fit the crime—The punishment fit the crime;And make each prisoner pentUnwilling representA source of innocent merriment,Of innocent merriment!

All prosy dull society sinners,Who chatter and bleat and bore,Are sent to hear sermonsFrom mystical GermansWho preach from ten to four,The amateur tenor, whose vocal villaniesAll desire to shirk,Shall, during off-hours,Exhibit his powersTo Madame Tussaud's waxwork.The lady who dies a chemical yellow,Or stains her grey hair puce.Or pinches her figger,Is blacked like a niggerWith permanent walnut juice.The idiot who, in railway carriages,Scribbles on window panes.We only sufferTo ride on a bufferIn Parliamentary trains.My object all sublimeI shall achieve in time—To let the punishment fit the crime—The punishment fit the crime;

And make each prisoner pentUnwillingly representA source of innocent merriment,Of innocent merriment!

The advertising quack who weariesWith tales of countless cures,His teeth, I've enacted,Shall all be extractedBy terrified amateurs.The music hall singer attends a seriesOf masses and fugues and "ops"By Bach, interwovenWith Sophr and Beethoven,At classical Monday Pops.The billiard sharp whom any one catches,His doom's extremely hard—He's made to dwellIn a dungeon cellOn a spot that's always barred.And there he plays extravagant matchesIn fitless finger-stalls,On a cloth untrueWith a twisted cue,And elliptical billiard balls!

My object all sublimeI shall achieve in time—To let the punishment fit the crime—The punishment fit the crime;And make each prisoner pentUnwillingly representA source of innocent merriment.Of innocent merriment!