Twelfe Night — Act 1 Scene 3

Enter Sir Toby, and Maria.

Sir To.What a plague meanes my Neece to take thedeath of her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemie to life.

Mar.By my troth sir Toby, you must come in earlyera nights: your Cosin, my Lady, takes great exceptionsto your ill houres.

To.Why let her except, before excepted.

Ma.I, but you must confine your selfe within the modest limits of order.

To.Confine? Ile confine my selfe no finer then I am:these cloathes are good enough to drinke in, and so beethese boots too: and they be not, let them hang themseluesin their owne straps.

Ma.That quaffing and drinking will vndoe you: Iheard my Lady talke of it yesterday: and of a foolishknight that you brought in one night here, to be hir woer

To.Who, Sir Andrew Ague-cheeke?

Ma.I he.

To.He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.

Ma.What's that to th' purpose?

To.Why he ha's three thousand ducates a yeare.

Ma.I, but hee'l haue but a yeare in all these ducates:He's a very foole, and a prodigall.

To.Fie, that you'l say so: he playes o'th Viol-de-gamboys,and speaks three or four languages word for wordwithout booke, & hath all the good gifts of nature.

Ma.He hath indeed, almost naturall: for besides thathe's a foole, he's a great quarreller: and but that hee haththe gift of a Coward, to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling,'tis thought among the prudent, he would quickelyhaue the gift of a graue.

Tob.By this hand they are scoundrels and substractorsthat say so of him. Who are they?

Ma.They that adde moreour, hee's drunke nightly in your company.

To.With drinking healths to my Neece: Ile drinketo her as long as there is a passage in my throat, & drinkein Illyria: he's a Coward and a Coystrill that will notdrinke to my Neece, till his braines turne o'th toe, like aparish top. What wench? Castiliano vulgo: for here comsSir Andrew Agueface.

Enter Sir Andrew.

And.Sir Toby Belch. How now sir Toby Belch?

To.Sweet sir Andrew.

And.Blesse you faire Shrew.

Mar.And you too sir.

Tob.Accost Sir Andrew, accost.

And.What's that?

To.My Neeces Chamber-maid.

Ma.Good Mistris accost, I desire better acquaintance

Ma.My name is Mary sir.

And.Good mistris Mary, accost.

To.You mistake knight: Accost, is front her, boordher, woe her, assayle her.

And.By my troth I would not vndertake her in thiscompany. Is that the meaning of Accost?

Ma.Far you well Gentlemen.

To.And thou let part so Sir Andrew, would thoumightst neuer draw sword agen.

And.And you part so mistris, I would I might neuerdraw sword agen: Faire Lady, doe you thinke you hauefooles in hand?

Ma.Sir, I haue not you by'th hand.

An.Marry but you shall haue, and heeres my hand.

Ma.Now sir, thought is free: I pray you bring yourhand to'th Buttry barre, and let it drinke.

An.Wherefore (sweet-heart?) What's your Metaphor?

Ma.It's dry sir.

And.Why I thinke so: I am not such an asse, but Ican keepe my hand dry. But what's your iest?

Ma.A dry iest Sir.

And.Are you full of them?

Ma.I Sir, I haue them at my fingers ends: marry nowExit MariaI let go your hand, I am barren.

To.O knight, thou lack'st a cup of Canarie: when didI see thee so put downe?

An.Neuer in your life I thinke, vnlesse you see Canarieput me downe: mee thinkes sometimes I haue nomore wit then a Christian, or an ordinary man ha's: but Iam a great eater of beefe, and I beleeue that does harmeto my wit.

To.No question.

An.And I thought that, I'de forsweare it. Ile ridehome to morrow sir Toby.

To.Pur-quoy my deere knight?

An.What is purquoy? Do, or not do? I would I hadbestowed that time in the tongues, that I haue in fencingdancing, and beare-bayting: O had I but followed the Arts.

To.Then hadst thou had an excellent head of haire.

An.Why, would that haue mended my haire?

To.Past question, for thou seest it will not coole my nature.

An.But it becoms me wel enough, dost not?

To.Excellent, it hangs like flax on a distaffe: & I hopeto see a huswife take thee between her legs, & spin it off.

An.Faith Ile home to morrow sir Toby, your niece wilnot be seene, or if she be it's four to one, she'l none of me:the Count himselfe here hard by, wooes her.

To.Shee'l none o'th Count, she'l not match aboue hirdegree, neither in estate, yeares, nor wit: I haue heard herswear't. Tut there's life in't man.

And.Ile stay a moneth longer. I am a fellow o'thstrangest minde i'th world: I delight in Maskes andReuels sometimes altogether.

To.Art thou good at these kicke-chawses Knight?

And.As any man in Illyria, whatsoeuer he be, vnderthe degree of my betters, & yet I will not compare withan old man.

To.What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?

And.Faith, I can cut a caper.

To.And I can cut the Mutton too't.

And.And I thinke I haue the backe-tricke, simply asstrong as any man in Illyria.

To.Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore hauethese gifts a Curtaine before 'em? Are they like to takedust, like mistris Mals picture? Why dost thou not goeto Church in a Galliard, and come home in a Carranto?My verie walke should be a Iigge: I would not so muchas make water but in a Sinke-a-pace: What dooest thoumeane? Is it a world to hide vertues in? I did thinke bythe excellent constitution of thy legge, it was form'dvnder the starre of a Galliard.

And.I, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in adam'd colour'd stocke. Shall we sit about some Reuels?

To.What shall we do else: were we not borne vnder Taurus?

And.Taurus? That sides and heart.

To.No sir, it is leggs and thighes: let me see theeExeuntcaper. Ha, higher: ha, ha, excellent.