Twelfe Night — Act 2 Scene 5

Enter Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Fabian.

To.Come thy wayes Signior Fabian.

Fab.Nay Ile come: if I loose a scruple of this sport,let me be boyl'd to death with Melancholly.

To.Wouldst thou not be glad to haue the niggardlyRascally sheepe-biter, come by some notable shame?

Fa.I would exult man: you know he brought me outo' fauour with my Lady, about a Beare-baiting heere.

To.To anger him wee'l haue the Beare againe, and wewill foole him blacke and blew, shall we not sir Andrew?

An.And we do not, it is pittie of our liues.

Enter Maria.

To.Heere comes the little villaine: How now my Mettle of India?

Mar.Get ye all three into the box tree: Maluolio'scomming downe this walke, he has beene yonder i'theSunne practising behauiour to his own shadow this halfehoure: obserue him for the loue of Mockerie: for I knowthis Letter wil make a contemplatiue Ideot of him. Closein the name of ieasting, lye thou there: for heere comesExitthe Trowt, that must be caught with tickling.

Enter Maluolio.

Mal.'Tis but Fortune, all is fortune. Maria oncetold me she did affect me, and I haue heard her self comethus neere, that should shee fancie, it should bee one ofmy complection. Besides she vses me with a more exaltedrespect, then any one else that followes her. Whatshould I thinke on't?

To.Heere's an ouer-weening rogue.

Fa.Oh peace: Contemplation makes a rare TurkeyCocke of him, how he iets vnder his aduanc'd plumes.

And.Slight I could so beate the Rogue.

To.Peace I say.

Mal.To be Count Maluolio.

To.Ah Rogue.

An.Pistoll him, pistoll him.

To.Peace, peace.

Mal.There is example for't: The Lady of the Strachy,married the yeoman of the wardrobe.

An.Fie on him Iezabel.

Fa.O peace, now he's deepely in: looke how imaginationblowes him.

Mal.Hauing beene three moneths married to her,sitting in my state.

To.O for a stone-bow to hit him in the eye.

Mal.Calling my Officers about me, in my branch'dVeluet gowne: hauing come from a day bedde, where Ihaue left Oliuia sleeping.

To.Fire and Brimstone.

Fa.O peace, peace.

Mal.And then to haue the humor of state: and aftera demure trauaile of regard: telling them I knowe myplace, as I would they should doe theirs: to aske for mykinsman Toby.

To.Boltes and shackles.

Fa.Oh peace, peace, peace, now, now.

Mal.Seauen of my people with an obedient start,make out for him: I frowne the while, and perchancewinde vp my watch, or play with my some rich Iewell:Toby approaches; curtsies there to me.

To.Shall this fellow liue?

Fa.Though our silence be drawne from vs with cars, yet peace.

Mal.I extend my hand to him thus: quenching myfamiliar smile with an austere regard of controll.

To.And do's not Toby take you a blow o'the lippes, then?

Mal.Saying, Cosine Toby, my Fortunes hauing castme on your Neece, giue me this prerogatiue of speech.

To.What, what?

Mal.You must amend your drunkennesse.

To.Out scab.

Fab.Nay patience, or we breake the sinewes of our plot?

Mal.Besides you waste the treasure of your time,with a foolish knight.

And.That's mee I warrant you.

Mal.One sir Andrew.

And.I knew 'twas I, for many do call mee foole.

Mal.What employment haue we heere?

Fa.Now is the Woodcocke neere the gin.

To.Oh peace, and the spirit of humors intimate readingaloud to him.

Mal.By my life this is my Ladies hand: these bee hervery C's, her V's, and her T's, and thus makes shee hergreat P's. It is in contempt of question her hand.

An.Her C's, her V's, and her T's: why that?

Mal.To the vnknowne belou'd, this, and my good Wishes:Her very Phrases: By your leaue wax. Soft, and the impressureher Lucrece, with which she vses to seale: tis myLady: To whom should this be?

Fab.This winnes him, Liuer and all.

Mal.Ioue knowes I loue, but who, Lips do not mooue, noman must know. No man must know. What followes?The numbers alter'd: No man must know,If this should be thee Maluolio?

To.Marrie hang thee brocke.

Mal.I may command where I adore, but silence like a Lucresse knife:With bloodlesse stroke my heart doth gore, M.O.A.I. doth sway my life.

Fa.A fustian riddle.

To.Excellent Wench, say I.

Mal.M.O.A.I. doth sway my life. Nay but firstlet me see, let me see, let me see.

Fab.What dish a poyson has she drest him?

To.And with what wing the stallion checkes at it?

Mal.I may command, where I adore: Why shee maycommand me: I serue her, she is my Ladie. Why this iseuident to any formall capacitie. There is no obstructionin this, and the end: What should that Alphabeticallposition portend, if I could make that resemble somethingin me? Softly, M.O.A.I

To.O I, make vp that, he is now at a cold sent.

Fab.Sowter will cry vpon't for all this, though it beeas ranke as a Fox.

Mal.M. Maluolio, M. why that begins my name.

Fab.Did not I say he would worke it out, the Curreis excellent at faults.

Mal.M. But then there is no consonancy in the sequellthat suffers vnder probation: A. should follow, but O. does.

Fa.And O shall end, I hope

To.I, or Ile cudgell him, and make him cry O.

Mal.And then I. comes behind.

Fa.I, and you had any eye behinde you, you might seemore detraction at your heeles, then Fortunes before you.

Mal.M,O,A,I. This simulation is not as the former:and yet to crush this a little, it would bow to mee, foreuery one of these Letters are in my name. Soft, here followesprose: If this fall into thy hand, reuolue. In my starsI am aboue thee, but be not affraid of greatnesse: Someare become great, some atcheeues greatnesse, and somehaue greatnesse thrust vppon em. Thy fates open theyrhands, let thy blood and spirit embrace them, and to invrethy selfe to what thou art like to be: cast thy humbleslough, and appeare fresh. Be opposite with a kinsman,surly with seruants: Let thy tongue tang arguments ofstate; put thy selfe into the tricke of singularitie. Sheethus aduises thee, that sighes for thee. Remember whocommended thy yellow stockings, and wish'd to see theeeuer crosse garter'd: I say remember, goe too, thou artmade if thou desir'st to be so: If not, let me see thee asteward still, the fellow of seruants, and not woorthie totouch Fortunes fingers Farewell, Shee that would alterseruices with thee, the fortunate vnhappy daylight andchampian discouers not more: This is open, I will beeproud, I will reade politicke Authours, I will baffle SirToby, I will wash off grosse acquaintance, I will be pointdeuise, the very man. I do not now foole my selfe, to letimagination iade mee; for euery reason excites to this,that my Lady loues me. She did commend my yellowstockings of late, shee did praise my legge being crosse-garter'd, and in this she manifests her selfe to my loue, &with a kinde of iniunction driues mee to these habites ofher liking. I thanke my starres, I am happy: I will beestrange, stout, in yellow stockings, and crosse Garter'd,euen with the swiftnesse of putting on. Ioue, and mystarres be praised. Heere is yet a postscript. Thou canstnot choose but know who I am. If thou entertainst my loue, letit appeare in thy smiling, thy smiles become thee well.Therefore in my presence still smile, deero my sweete, I prethee. IoueI thanke thee, I will smile, I wil do euery thing that thouExit.wilt haue me.

Fab.I will not giue my part of this sport for a pensionof thousands to be paid from the Sophy.

To.I could marry this wench for this deuice.

An.So could I too.

To.And aske no other dowry with her, but such another iest.

Enter Maria.

An.Nor I neither.

Fab.Heere comes my noble gull catcher.

To.Wilt thou set thy foote o'my necke.

An.Or o'mine either?

To.Shall I play my freedome at tray-trip, and becom thy bondslaue?

An.Ifaith, or I either?

Tob.Why, thou hast put him in such a dreame, thatwhen the image of it leaues him, he must run mad.

Ma.Nay but say true, do's it worke vpon him?

To.Like Aqua vite with a Midwife.

Mar.If you will then see the fruites of the sport, markhis first approach before my Lady: hee will come to herin yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she abhorres, andcrosse garter'd, a fashion shee detests: and hee will smilevpon her, which will now be so vnsuteable to her disposition,being addicted to a melancholly, as shee is, that itcannot but turn him into a notable contempt: if you wilsee it follow me.

To.To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent diuell of wit.

And.Exeunt.Ile make one too.Finis Actus secundus